Has it been one year already?

Hey mom,

Well a whole year has gone by since your passing.  Today marks the last first we have to experience without you. A year without seeing you, hugging you or talking with you seems like an impossible task and yet that is exactly what has happened.  I wish me from a year ago could have spoken to me now.  I would have been able to tell myself not to worry about the future and focus all my attention to the moment. When I think about regrets that I may have or thoughts of things I could have done in your last few months, I always come back to feeling like I wasn’t fully engaged in the now.  Having the luxury of hindsight I can see so many missed opportunities to share time with you.  That is really only one of two issues that I feel are unresolved.

Quite a lot has happened in the past year.  Of course there was quite a bit of time taken up by grief and the process of dealing with all the various emotions I went through.  There was also the time spent dealing with you and dad no longer being alive, all the time spent with the lawyer, accountant and financial adviser. Jodi, Jason and I had a Thanksgiving that went surprisingly well considering I was the cook.  I took a couple of road trips and you know how much I being in a car long distance. Never the less, I managed to make a trip to San Luis Obispo, where I spent some much-needed time with friends there and got a refresher course in the SLO life.  After that trip I set out for a little longer trip and visited Larry/Diana, Sherry/Don/Andrew, and Jodi.  Those two trips were in preparation for the big one.  I had to get to Iowa to see Mike and Linda.  I spent two weeks making almost the same journey that you had to drag me on when I was 15.  Unfortunately I did not get to sleep the entire time on this trip. Some of the other notable things, Jason also went on a road trip.  He spent almost a month with his new girlfriend. I worked the fair again this year, it was easy to do without my mother telling me everyday that she would rather have me stay home.  I also enrolled in hypnotherapy school and took my final exam today.  I know I couldn’t help you with the things you had to endure, but I can help others.

The guys at the Y are doing well, Lou is cantankerous as ever.  Big Hal and Larry both miss you and dad. I had a good visit with Laverne while I was on my long trip, she is doing quite well and continues to enjoy her job.  Peg had knee surgery, but has recovered nicely from that. Unfortunately she too has had to deal with the loss of a parent in the past year.  Grandma Jane said 100 and a half was long enough. I was able to visit her just about every day that she was in the hospice facility. Jodi had surgery as well this past year, she had her hip replacement replaced.  You would have been amazed at how much different this one was from the last time she had it done.  The neighbors as all well.  Susan retired and has been enjoying that. You missed Helgard’s annual birthday get together, but don’t worry I missed it as well.  Andrew and Allison got a house and are very happy together, they are such a cute couple. Jeff and his clan are all doing well. Jorden is growing up fast.  I know I am forgetting things that happened, but hey it has been a whole year.  Just know that we are alright and have somehow managed to make life work without you here to help us.

Okay, now its time to shift gears and get a little more serious.  I said there were two issues that were left unresolved when you passed.  One of those I cannot resolve, but the other one I can.  When we were planning for your funeral, you asked me to read the letter I wrote to you for your birthday the year you passed.  I told you that I couldn’t do that and you understood why, but I know that you were disappointed.  Not only did you love my writing and wanted to share what I had written with those left behind, but you also wanted me to share it for the very reason that I couldn’t.  You tried to ‘help’ me be able to read this letter by sharing it with Jodi and well, that turned into a fiasco (and not for the reason I expected).  I am not sure how best to set this up for those reading this post, so I will just insert the letter here and will explain more after.

For My Mother on her Birthday

I had always looked forward to writing something down to let you know how much I love you. This time is different. This time I fear it will be the last time you will be around to hear me say Happy Birthday to you. I fear this time will be the last time I hear you say how beautifully I write. That fear weighs so very heavy on my heart it is almost suffocating. I pray for the courage and strength to carry on when you are gone. I am certain there are no words in our vocabulary to express the tremendous joy I feel when I think of you. Love seems inadequate, being only four little letters, to represent what my heart feels for you. Sad is even more inadequate to express how I will feel when you are no longer here to share life’s moments with me.

I am sorry if this is as tough for you to read as it was for me to write. I don’t recall having this difficult a time figuring out what I want to say and how I want to say it. I imagine the only thing more difficult will be penning whatever I come up with for your memorial. There are so many things I want to say and yet no real way to say them.

So let’s start by saying that you have done an amazing job being a mother, wife, daughter and friend. I would be hard pressed to find someone who knows you that would disagree. In the toughest of times, you provided for our needs. In the hardest of moments, you were a solid foundation upon which we could lean. In our joyous of days, you were there with a great big smile. For me, you have been a lighthouse gently and patiently guiding the way.

I am sorry for the times when I have let you down. I have not always made the wisest of choices and I have stumbled many times in my trek through life. I know that at times I could be quite the handful and especially lately, a burden, but I can only hope that the number of times I made you proud was greater than the number of times I was a disappointment. It pains me that I could not have been a better son. My test has always been, will my actions upset my mother? Knowing that I sometimes failed that test upsets me a great deal more than it probably has upset you. The list of things I am sorry for does not end there. I am sorry I did not finish college. I am sorry I spent so much of your money. I am sorry that you will not get to see me be happy and successful again. I am sorry that I did not give you a son-in-law, I know how happy that would have made you. Just as I will never know how wonderful your parents were, I am sorry that any future partner I may have will never know just how special you are. I am sorry that I cannot cure cancer. I am sorry I could not give you more time with us. I am sorry that I got 45 years with you when you got considerably less time than that with your mother, father and sister. I am sorry that I could not be more religiously minded. I am sorry that I said horrible things about you when I was a child during my tantrums. I am sorry I drank the juice you had Dad make and for much later ending up with pneumonia because of that early childhood trauma… haha.. sorry (my final one) but I had to liven the mood of this letter, if only for a moment.

I have so many wonderful memories of our time spent together. Indulge me for a minute while I share some of them. Sitting on your lap and ‘driving’ the car is one of my earliest happy memories. Some other fond memories from our days in California City are sleeping next to you in front of the furnace. Keeping you safe during a rain or wind storm. Playing in the backyard while you hung the laundry. Other childhood memories with you that make me smile are the times we spent playing games, the way you were with George and Missy and the rest of the birds. Going to the lunch truck and all the time we got to spend at the factory. Bringing home snakes for you to see. Going to the school open house with you and showing off my desk and the things I had done in school. I very much appreciated the interest you took and the time and money you spent when I was in Ag. Teaching me how to drive. Sending me off to college in a way that did not feel like I was being pushed from the nest. By far my favorite memories are each and every time we talked. I know how much you hate talking on the phone and it always made me feel so special that you would listen to me chatter away for the longest time. I loved that it usually took us forever to end a call. No one else would play the ‘I love you more’ game or the ‘you hang up first’ game. I just love talking to you and it hurts when I think about the times I will want to talk and you won’t be there to listen. You always knew what to say and how to say it, even when it was something I didn’t really want to hear. Yes, our long talks will be missed for sure. There will be times that I will need to hear you say “Did you call just to piss me off?” I am not sure what I will do in those times. Maybe you can teach Apache to say that before you leave. At the very least, I know I will get to hear your “Hello” as long as Apache is around.

There will be events in the future that, when they happen, will be difficult because I will think on the times we spent sharing those events of the past in some way. Of course the obvious events will be holidays. The care you took to celebrate holidays and birthdays were a testament to just how much you enjoyed and looked forward to them. There will be others though. Ones that other’s may not realize or understand. With whom shall I discuss performances and outcomes of dancing shows and other special television moments like the Olympics, the rose parade, etc? When I see something neat like a drum line or a beautiful picture, who will I share that with? Who will I allow to win at a game of zilch? I know that at some point, happiness in the memories of doing these things will outweigh the pain of not making more of them with you.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared for the future. I am terrified. I just don’t know what a life without you in it will look like. How will I get by? The intellectual part of me knows that we all have to leave this world at some point, but the emotional part of me is screaming out, “WHY?” I know there will be lots of sadness for you this birthday, but I hope some happiness will find its way in as well.

I will make some promises to you now. I will promise to be as strong as I can be while you are still here and after you are gone. I promise I will do my best to take care of the things that need to be cared for when you are no longer able to do that yourself. I promise to try to be as happy as I can be in the future.

Finally, I will promise to love you always and forever….

I know that giving up your independence as we get closer to the end is difficult for you. I know that you would much rather continue to do the things you are used to doing on your own. I am learning how to be a good caretaker as I go. Unfortunately I will make mistakes and may not do things the ‘right’ way. Just know that I don’t feel obliged to help out, rather I feel honored that I can. So try not to think of it as losing your independence, but rather the opportunity to relax and let someone else take care of it. You have taken care of us for a long time now. It’s our time to return the favor, you earned it!

I suppose that while this is unfortunate and seems unfair, I should consider myself lucky that it is something we can plan for and I didn’t just wake up one day without a mother and without having the opportunity to say all these things.

Have a very Happy Birthday Mom!

So there it is, the letter I could not read at your funeral.  So why couldn’t I read it?  All because of two sentences.  For some of the people reading this, those two sentences are just two of the many in this letter.  For others, like my sister, those two sentences are the only thing written in the letter.  Still confused? Well you see, my parents have known since I was 21 that I am gay, but I didn’t share that with most of my family. I am not ashamed of who I am, but I was fearful of how my siblings and extended family would react.  I decided long ago that I would live my life in such as way that my actions would not affect my parents.  I was not worried about what people would think of me, but I was afraid of a situation where my parents would have to ‘take sides’.  There were several reasons why I felt this may be a possibility.  Things people said or ways people behaved. Ideas about religion or cultural upbringing.  I didn’t want, especially within the immediate family, for my parents to have to defend me, which they would have.  There were many times my mother was tempted to give a piece of her mind to someone in the family when an off-color remark was made, but she bit her tongue because I asked her to.  My father and I never talked about it, but he had met and liked many of my friends and that let me know he was okay with who I was.  Mom on the other hand was a big support and we talked quite a bit over the years about frustrations and wants and things.  She too dearly loved my gay friends. She was sad though that I remained single and that in some part that was because of my desire to keep this imagined peace within the family. She thought it was silly and tried to rationalize with me, but it was my fear and I could not overcome it.  So I remained secretive about this aspect of my life, for the most part.

My parents are no longer here and I no longer have the desire to keep this peace within the family that I had unduly placed as a burden on myself.  I no longer am afraid of what people might think of me (outside of a professional realm) and so it is time to move on and live my life for me.  This one aspect was not the only reason I remained single, but it was a big part of it.  There were other reasons that I have come to recognize and am beginning to work through.

So mom, there you have it, I have shared the letter.  I know that was important for you and I made it important for me as well. I love you so very much and miss you every day. I wish we could have had many more years, but I understand that this is how life works. I also understand that I still have a life to live and while it may be difficult at times, I will be just fine.  I am forging ahead with a new set of skills in my tool bag and I am going to make the best of it.

Thank you for making my life that much more wonderful!