First Birthday, First Christmas, First Be Bald and Be Free Day, First Anniversary of my Father’s Passing; one round of firsts’ is complete. In 5 more months my second round will be done. Gosh it is hard to believe that it has been a year since my father died. Many times over the last year I have thought about how cruel it seems that time does not stop when we lose our loved ones, as if they weren’t important enough for time to even pause in respect. That’s not how life works though and my mother had told me many times that life just isn’t fair.
It is also amazing just how much ‘stuff’ people leave behind for their loved ones to ‘deal with’. Not only is there a lifetime worth of things that have been accumulated and stored, but all the things that need to be wrapped up before the world considers you no longer part of it. I am fortunate that dealing with the monetary aspects of the estate has been relatively uneventful. I am fortunate that I am not part of a broken family where petty issues get in the way of putting my parents to rest. Heck, we (those left behind) are all fortunate that my parents had a plan for us after they left. Still the remnants of my parents lives can be a burden. Who knew figuring out what to do with my mother’s shoes would be a thing. Just today a gentleman called the house and asked for my mother, I never know the appropriate response so it is usually something like, “She’s not available at the moment. May I take a message.” In this case he explained who he was and what he wanted and I told him that I was sorry but my mother is deceased and will not be needing your product. Every day there is mail for my parents and ever day I look at that mail and wonder how long that will occur.
Every time I walk through the livingroom, I cannot help but think of my mother watching TV on the couch or my father snoozing in his chair. How long will I do that? Every time I have to make a decision about the house I wonder if dad would have done it that way or if that is how mom would have liked it. How long will I do that? Every day I think about them and miss them and want to talk with them or get one of mom’s great hugs. How long will I do that? Sometimes I wonder if I am lucky to continue to be surrounded by their things or if the person that has to sell off/ throw away every last bit is the lucky one. How long will I do that? Forever I guess.
Boy this has been a tough year. I am thankful for the people in my life that have made the journey a little easier though.
Your blog was, as usual, tender and insightful, heartfelt and informative. Though I did not read this on the anniversary of your Dad’s passing, I understand those feeling well and I wish I had an answer as to “How long you will do that” because that is different with everyone. I DO know that what you have experienced since his passing is a perfect path of grieving and you WILL stop hurting someday.
Don and I are so grateful to be a part of your life and we LOVED having you visit us for the past 2 days. Our trip downtown was enjoyable…especially the train ride home when we got to see that beautiful Macaw riding on another passenger’s shoulder. Always remember that you are loved and as your life goes forward and the grief is swallowed up with new endeavors…as it should be…your loving parents we never be far from you and your siblings. In fact, they have likely been your travel buddies for the last two weeks! Hang in there, Jarin.