Hi Mom,
I have been asked this question frequently. It is a well intentioned question, but a strange one at the same time. This question provokes many thoughts in my head when I hear it.
* Does this person really want to know?
* Does this person expect that the answer will be something other than fine?
* Is it okay to say that I am feeling pretty awful?
* If I answer honestly, with that only serve to reinforce a perception of weakness on my part?
* Should I put on a happy face so as to not make the person asking feel bad?
* Will my sadness be viewed as negativity and drive people away?
I am not suggesting that people should stop asking me that question, but I am very conflicted about how I should act around others. Let’s face it, when you aren’t as emotionally invested in something as much as another person, that other person’s emotions can become overwhelming and a burden. Perhaps I am just projecting my own feelings onto others here, but I can’t help it.
What I really want to hear from people is an empathetic gesture like, “I know you are upset right now, tell me what you are feeling and it is okay to show whatever emotions you’d like.” and then for them to just listen. However, I would only want to hear this if the person meant it. Otherwise I am left to cry and feel pissed off where no one can see me.
I know it has only been a week since you passed away, but how long can I expect to feel bad? Will this lost feeling last much longer. Will this feeling of disbelief that you are actually gone ever go away? Will I ever not think of something happy about you and then immediately see you lying in that coffin?
Gosh I am just sort of mixed up and not sure what to do with myself. I want to do nothing and yet I want to do something. It is rather frustrating. I checked into grief groups and will try to get up the courage to go to one.
I must say that I have some really awesome friends though. They have been so supportive in the simplest of ways. I went out to dinner with them last night and that was a pleasure. Of course there were times during dinner that I would start thinking of you and just wanted to leave so that I didn’t ruin the good time we were having, but I got through it.
Tomorrow will probably be a rough day for me. Tomorrow is Sunday and will be one week since your passing. The time has gone by so fast and I think that is a good thing.
Hmmm.. not really feeling like talking anymore right now. Talk to you later!
Jarin I highly recommend grief counseling. If you check with hospice they usually have a grief program both individually and in group sessions. If helps because everyone there understands parts of what you have been going through. Even though each case is different, everyone there has lost someone very special to them. As you hear their stories you won’t feel so alone.
As far as what you are feeling now, yes it will get easier. You will never forget the people you love but it does get easier after awhile and eventually, at least in my experience, you will smile when you think of them and remember the good times you all shared. The hurt goes away slowly and you will need to be patient with yourself. Whatever you are feeling is perfectly normal for you because everyone experiences grief differently.
Thanks Lyn. I will do that.