Hey mom! How ya doing? How was your trip? I suppose there are many more questions I will ask of you and not be able to hear a response. I don’t feel one either, which is disconcerting. Then again I don’t feel much besides sticky right now. Man did you really have to pick the hottest days of summer to do this?
Do you remember when we were talking about dad and I told you that although I can picture in my mind what he looks like, but that I could not recall how he sounded. It is very strange that I cannot ‘hear’ his voice when I think about it. That was sort of upsetting to me. Wouldn’t you know if that same thing has happened with you. When I imagine you telling me something it is in my own voice and not yours. I makes me sad. I realized this when I was watching one of the videos we took recently when we were talking about funeral arrangements. I wanted to make sure we were getting it right. Oh well, at least I have the videos and of course Apache. That living tape recorder has a couple words that are in your voice.
Speaking of Apache. He knows something is different. The day you passed he barely made a peep. He stood on the perch in his cage in an odd manner as well. He was sort of extended or maybe attentive is a better word for it. Even when we were all out on the porch later that evening (when folks came to pick you up) he didn’t make a sound. Normally when we would sit on the porch he wouldn’t shut up. Since you passed he hasn’t said any of the words that he says in your voice. No hello, grand bird or I love you. He hasn’t said grandma either. It is just so strange.
Jodi remarked today how odd it is that there isn’t any adult around to help us make decisions. Even though we are grown, we are still your children and feel child-like right now. We have made those decisions though. We have been in agreement and have not had any arguments over your particulars. Jodi and I went shopping today and laughed and laughed while she was trying to squeeze her boat feet into dress shoes. I told her that mom would be just fine if you wore something comfortable, even if it looked a bit out of place.
It is 2:30 am and I woke up from almost 5 hours of sleeping. That is the longest stretch I have had in days. I don’t feel particularly tired, but you know me, I love to sleep. I get to go to the movies every time I close my eyes. I don’t always like the movie that is showing, but that is okay. Unfortunately you haven’t shown up in any that I have had since your passing. I must say that I really want you to. I would like to talk to you. Dammit.. here come the waterworks again. Stupid faucet has been awfully leaky lately.
I have to go now mom. I have to work on what I am going to say at your funeral. I might have to just steal bits of things I have written to you previously because my mind isn’t working as well as I would like. The day you passed I went down to get a foo-foo and as I was walking out the cashier asked if I was going to pay for that. I thought, “Oh my goodness. Where is my head at.” I apologized for being a silly goose and paid the man what I owed. I was just sort of in a fog. That fog hasn’t lifted yet, but I have tried to keep focus on the things that needed to be done and get them done. Knowing that when this is all over, I will be able to rest and figure out how in the world I am going to carry on without the most important person in my life anymore.
Bye for now.. Love you!