Missing you

How is it possible to be so sad?  Missing my mom so much that it’s almost numbing.

Today my mother left this world.  I have no clue what her journey from here will be like.  I can only hope that it is pleasant and joyful.  There is so much more that I want to say about this topic, but now is not the right time.  I have too much respect for the feelings and beliefs of those around me.  In time I will share my thoughts and how that affects my outlook on the future.

For now, it is enough to say that I am surrounded by things that remind me of my parents and while it should be comforting, I find it somewhat cruel.  A constant reminder of what I no longer have.  As my sister pointed out today, we are now orphans, albeit 40+ year old orphans, but orphans just the same.  We no longer have a parent to help us process this event.  When dad passed, I felt comfort knowing that mom was with me and I could talk with her about it.  Now, I don’t have that.  Yes there are others that can fill the role as a substitute, but it’s not the same as the real deal.

I should feel glad that she isn’t suffering and is free of the strangle-hold that cancer had on her, but I am being too selfish right now to see it that way.  Right now I would love to just feel my mother’s hug.  To hear her tell me that everything is alright.  To be here when I wake up tomorrow.  I would rather have the whole package, not just the feeling or idea of her to comfort me.

That said, today wasn’t all bad.  We had some fun, laughter filled moments as well.  My siblings sat on mom’s front porch (she was so proud of her porch) and talked for hours about all sort of things.  Recalling various events in our lives.  Many of them happy moments or funny moments.  That was only a respite though for our sadness.

Tonight we will lay our heads down and attempt to sleep.  I hope that we are successful.  That we can allay the anxiety and worry of what tomorrow will bring.  I hope that sleep will refresh our bodies and souls and perhaps give us a chance within our dreams to visit with mom again.

My mother passed away today.  I was there for her last breath.  I was feeling her pulse as it grew weak and finally stopped.  I didn’t get that opportunity with my father and almost missed that opportunity with my mother had it not been for a very strange occurrence.  My sister was sitting next to my mother while working to finish a cross-stitch that my mother had been wanting to complete before Christmas.  It is a really pretty Christmas pattern that mom saw one day and wanted to make.  She kept her cross-stitch equipment in a square tin box.  For some reason that square tin box fell onto the floor and made a loud noise, which startled my sister and my mother.  My mother reacted to it in a shocked way as though it had scared her.  Jodi told Andrew to get me.  Mom’s breathing changed and she looked like she was struggling.  We talked with her and told her that it was alright.  She took a few more breaths and that was it.  Her heart continued to beat for about 30 seconds after her last breath.  I have no idea what caused these events to take place, but it was definitely strange.  I am glad that we were there to talk with her and let her know that everything was as it needed to be.

Now I sit in a house with all of mom’s things, but no mom in sight.  It is disconcerting to think that while I will sleep on a comfortable bed tonight, her body will not.  At least she will be cooler than we will be and yes, I do realize how twisted that thought is.

I cannot help be wonder if I did right by her.  If I did the best I could to care for her.  If there was anything I could have done to help her meet her goal.  If she is disappointed in my efforts in any way.  Intellectually I realize these are normal thoughts and that the answers to those questions are Yes, Yes, No and No.  Emotionally though, I am feeling uneasy and self doubt is ever present.

I miss my mother.  She has been gone for about 8 hours now and I cannot seem to convince myself that she is just off on a cruise and will be back soon….