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Forgive me if I practically skip over my parents condition and talk about my own. Mom is the same and dad seems to be getting a bit worse. We are hoping to get a call tomorrow from the doctor with results of x-rays and blood tests done today to see what to do about dad. Enough about them though, lets talk about me.
I am tired. I just woke up from a 2 hour nap. In the first few moments after walking up I went from that ‘oh shit’ moment thinking maybe I had forgotten to do something I was supposed to, but that feeling gave way to a more peaceful and rested feeling. I laid there for a bit, just enjoying being still. Then the phone rang… stupid telemarketers. It was then that I had to face reality again and get up to check on mom and dad. I had to get their evening medications handed out and get after mom to put her feet up. Now all I want to do is go back to sleep, but I need to stay awake for a bit until mom gets settled in for the night. Fortunately I don’t think it will take too long tonight. She isn’t as restless tonight as she has been lately.
I have been feeling really emotional since her trip to the hospital this past weekend. I feel absolutely awful when I have to tell her she needs to wait a little bit for some pain meds or when I give her a sedative. I feel like I am being cruel to her. I know I am not, but it just feels like it. I feel so bad when she looks at me in that confused way and asks was she is doing. It feels bad when you see your mother struggle just to get dressed. When you know her mind is betraying her right now. When she picks something up, moves it over there and then moves it back a few moments later with that puzzled look of “what in the world am I doing”. When you have to push her to keep focus. It is so difficult to watch someone you love so much go through this.
She was the one I would turn to when I wasn’t feeling good about something. She would listen to me and then give me some advice that would make me feel so much better. I am really angry that I don’t have that right now. I am mad at myself for thinking a month ago that we still had plenty of time left. For not making more of the time we had. For going to bed at night instead of sitting up for hours talking about stuff and documenting it when she was still able to do that. Now there seems to be far too many moments where we can have talks. Even if we had those moments, I don’t know that I could keep it together. I am trying so hard to be strong in front of her. To be brave. Instead I am the scared, upset little kid like the one in the picture above.
I am so scared for that moment when she is gone. That panic of how the heck we are going to get by without her. The fear that dad won’t be able to live without her. I am getting glimpses of the end of this road and it pisses me off that I don’t know how much road is left. I dunno, there are thoughts in my head that I would like to write down, but am still to scared to do that. To scared of the consequence for doing so.
I am scared that in time I will not be able to picture my mother in my mind. That I will forget how her voice sounds. That I will forget what her hugs feel like. How warm those arms feel wrapped around you.
Tomorrow I will get back to writing about mom and dad. There are actually updates on what happened today at the doctor, but since I hoping to hear from the doctor tomorrow about what we can do for my dad, I will just wait and provide an update on both of them.
Well I think that sums up the day. We shall see what fun stuff tomorrow brings!
I am only staring this because of the courage it takes to write it out.
I am going to be blunt. Sometimes it really comes down to what type of end do they want, what would you want in the same situation.
As hard as it is to see their confusion…they are home. Surrounded by loved ones, biggest being you.
Find a picture to remind you of the good ol days when they were care takers, not you. Treasure that moment.
Treasure these moments, different.
You are right moonbug. Thank you for your comment. Mom is having a good morning and I am thankful for that.
I found your blog while searching through tags and just binge read your entire blog. I’m going to follow your blog if you don’t mind. I don’t even know how to begin to comment. So many of your words hit home for me. My dad had a heart attack and it was just the beginning of his string of illness ( stroke, heart surgery/value replacement, blood infection, colon cancer). Then when my dad was taking a turn for the better my fiancee unexpectedly fell ill, discovered it was Brain Cancer. I care took for them both. Both are more or less stable now so I was able to start working part time. So much of what you wrote, i remember going through the same thing.
Thank you for your comment and the follow. I appreciate it!