Don’t sedate and talk…

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Mom had her second chemotherapy treatment today.  They give her something to calm her nerves and allow her to sit for the 6 hour treatment.  The first treatment wasn’t so bad, she just came home tired.  Today it was a bit different.  She came home high as a kite and talking all kinds of non-sense.  I could tell pretty quickly that she was out of it when it took her at least 5 minutes to get out of the car.  Not because of weakness or anything.  She just couldn’t focus on the task.  She had a water bottle in her hand and the lid was missing.  I asked where it was and she spent the next 5 minutes pondering where it could be and searching for it.  She also seemed rather irritated.  After getting her inside, Dad went to the pharmacy to fill a new prescription for pain medication.

While he was gone I followed her around, nervously wanting her to just sit down.  She was trying to accomplish some basic tasks and her mind just wasn’t having it.  She got upset because someone did something with the glass of water she just poured.  Problem is that she never got a glass of water.  She opened the cupboard door, got side tracked, closed the cupboard door and then searched for the glass of water.  She wanted a pain pill so she got one, put it back and wondered what happened to it.  Finally after wandering around for a bit she sat down.  I probably should have just not said anything, but I asked her what has her upset.  She talked about all sort of things, some of them made a little sense in the context of the question, but most of it was just random thoughts she was having.  It wasn’t gibberish, it was actual meaningful sentences.  It was just that I had no idea why she was saying them.  I can’t remember much of what she was saying, but she did mention that she is always wrong, always has been.

She then picked up the bottle of water she had earlier (we had since found the cap which was now on the bottle) and she went to take a drink.  I saw the cap was on and in hindsight I should have just let her figure out on her own that the cap was on.  Instead I pointed it out and she said, “There you see.  Wrong again.”  So pitiful.  She then picked up this handheld electronic Sudoku machine and stared at it for a bit.  Since the TV remote was siting next to it, I figured she was going to try to change the channel with this Sudoku machine.  Instead she pushes on the screen and then says, “This phone is broken.” and proceeds to try taking it apart.  Dad said that earlier she had tried to charge her cell phone with her keys and was trying to open the water bottle upside down.

I suggested maybe she should close her eyes and take a little nap.  It took her about 20 seconds to be sound asleep.  When dad got home we talked a little bit about mom.  He expressed that he hopes she is coherent soon.  I told her I thought she would sleep quite well for several hours and that by morning she should be back to normal (her normal these days anyway).  We talked a bit about what happened this morning (see the anxiety blog) and I told him that he really needs to talk with the doctor on Thursday during his appointment about anxiety and see if there is anything they can do to help him with that.  I told him that he needs something to help take the edge off so that he won’t be so quick to get upset at things.  I also told him that he is going to have to find some different way of communicating with mom.  That she will continually get worse and there will be no changing her, so he will have to do the changing if he doesn’t want more episodes like this morning.  He nodded.  I didn’t expect him to have many words, but at least with the nod I know he acknowledged what I was saying.

Seeing mother this way gave me a glimpse of what is to might be to come and frankly I don’t like it.  I have to keep reminding myself that she has a more difficult time processing information sometimes, especially when sedated.  Still, it is upsetting to try to filter out what she means versus whatever is coming out.  About 6 months before this whole cancer thing started, I was getting more concerned that mom was becoming more and more forgetful.  I was worried about some form of dementia.  Looking back now, that might have been related to the brain tumor and I wish that I has pressed the issue.

I am sure we can all imagine how tough it would be to lose some sort of functionality in our body, but I would bet everyone could agree losing our mind would be the worst.  Especially if it comes and goes.  That seems like it would be utterly frightening.  So for my mother’s sake and for ours, I hope that we only see this side of her when she is having her chemo treatments.  For the people in the world that are caring for loved ones that are scatter brains 24/7, my heart goes out to you.

Well I think that sums up the day.  We shall see what fun stuff tomorrow brings!