Hey mom,
After some soul searching on my trip out of town I have decided something that I think you would approve. This will be the last of these letters to you. They have helped me to get over some initial pain and to vent all the various emotions, but honestly I don’t feel like they are doing what I wanted them to do. I was hoping that I would feel closer to you by making my posts directed toward you. Unfortunately I am feeling more distant instead of closer. I have no clue how this whole things is supposed to work and I can see why they say grief happens differently for each person. The things I do know are that I cannot believe you are actually gone. That my love for you transcends all. That I miss you every moment. That I look forward to those moments, when I miss you, being filled with happy memories rather than sadness, anger and regrets. This process is so much more difficult than I imagined it would be.
While this will be the last ‘letter’, it will not be the last post. I am going to shift the posts into two directions. One direction will be getting back to the journal format. There a many things that I get to do now that you and dad are gone. An appointment with the lawyer on Monday starts that fun. I will document those processes as I have realized by talking to my peers and other people, that many folks are going to be in the same position I am in some day and could likely benefit from my having gone through all this.
The other direction is going to be an experiment. Sherry asked me many moons ago to capture your story for the family archives. One of my many regrets is that, even though we had plenty of time, I did not get more stories. I had a whole list of topics to discuss with you and could have easily done them over the last several months. Did we do that? No. (Although we had more than one session where we got to the end and discovered I didn’t hit record on the camera.. what an idiot) So, the experiment will be to post your stories from my perspective. One rub with this is that my long term memory is nothing close to what yours was. You might have had horrible short term memory, but you had the ability to recall things from the past that I was a part of and didn’t remember myself. So remembering these things is going to be a challenge. Fortunately, on my long car ride this weekend, I thought of a way to help with that. I am going to use pictures and items. So for each post I am going to go through the albums and look for those memory triggers and write about them from my point of view.
I am really hoping that this change will help me in positive ways to look at our life together with smiles rather than tears. Even as I type this it is through the film of fluid welling up in my eye holes. I can’t believe how much crying one can do.
On to today’s letter….
I told you that I was going on a little trip. I had a really wonderful time in San Luis Obispo. I only stayed one night, but that seemed like just the right amount of time for this trip. I stayed with Susan, Mark and Cole. They were very generous to open their home to me as they had just had a three week visitor leave the day before. The drive up there, once i passed the L.A. traffic, was quite enjoyable and you know how much I love being in a car. I had not been up there in many many years so I was fascinated about the changes along the way and in many cases, the lack of change after all this time. I didn’t take the same, short-cut, route that I used to take because I wasn’t sure if I could remember the way. So I stayed on the 101 all the way and when I saw the rolling hills of the central coast, well it just felt good. Here is what I saw…
Isn’t that just the most wonderful sight (just ignore the bug on the window). Open space for miles. Cows and plants and wild-life galore. Really is spectacular that some areas of California can remain relatively untouched. After all these years it’s still just two lanes each way. This view lasts pretty much from the turn inland from Goleta all the way up to SLO. I realized how much I had missed this view.
Once I got into SLO, I felt a sense of peace. I was also excited to see my friends there. I went to Susan’s house and talked with her for a bit while she prepared some finger foods for a little get together we had planned with other friends a bit later that evening. After a catching up and talking about you, I decided to go for a drive around town and see how things looked after all these years. I went by my first house on Rockview and was pleasantly surprised to see that it was still there. I drove out to the airport and took a look at the last place I worked out there. From there I drove to the other side of town to the other places I had lived on Foothill. I drove through downtown. Pretty much just looking at all the places I used to go to eat or hangout. There has been a lot of change in terms of businesses that were no longer around and a couple new buildings, bu for the most part SLO was just like it used to be.
I went back to Susan’s house and my other friends were there already. The picture above is of Kay (on the left), Susan (center) and to the far right is part of Mark (Susan’s Mark, not Kay’s). The other Mark was out of frame. I am sure you remember both Mark P and Susan C. They had both been my boss at SLONET. It’s sort of funny and yet sad that these two couples live in the same town and had not seen each other in a long time. It took me coming into town to get them together. We had beer and wine and some fine gnosh that Susan made. We talked about various things and then it was time for Mark and Kay P to head on home. Susan and I walked to downtown for Farmer’s Market. I always though that the most cool thing about SLO was that every Thursday night downtown is closed off for blocks for Farmer’s Market. I knwo how much you loved people watching and this event is certainly good for that. It is also good for getting something delicious to eat. I had a tri-tip sandwich. Gosh how I missed something as simple as grilled meat on a plain french roll. We walked up and down the streets looking at people and reminiscing about days gone by.
We headed back to her place and after showing me where to find things in the house should I need them during the night we said our goodnight’s and I went to bed. The plan was to get up and go to breakfast in the morning. I suppose technically it was still morning when I got up, but much later than I had anticipated. I slept about 11 hours that night. I hadn’t gotten that much sleep in a while. I don’t remember tossing or turning or waking from any unwanted dreams. I think it was good for me to spend the night away from home. Away from the reminders that you are not here.
There is one place that is still open and in the same place after all these years. Probably dad’s favorite place in SLO next to the Apple Farm. Susan and I decided that would be the perfect place to go for breakfast. I told Susan that you, dad and I would go there every time you came to SLO for a visit. I told her that dad would walk there from the Apple Farm and even once from my place on Foothill. I told Susan that you guys could never remember the name of the place though. Can you remember it now? If you said Louisa’s Place then you were right. Louisa’s is a very small family restaurant where the counter seating outnumbers the booth/tables. It is very crowded and can be loud, but is homey and enjoyable and the food is pretty darn good. Susan and I decided to order the same things. Guacamole Bacon omelette…
though she had a biscuit and I had toast. I actually didn’t finish all of it because it’s very large and rich and was very yummy!
After breakfast we walked back to her house and just talked for a couple of hours. It was very relaxing and very much enjoyable. I really like Susan’s company. She is fun to talk to and we think a lot alike so finding conversation is not difficult. We talked about all that has happened in the last year. We talked about her and her husbands folks who and what sort of planning they have done when she has to do all the things I am facing now. We talked about her family and what she wants for her future. We talked about SLO town and how the area she lives in is the kind of area that you liked to drive through and look at the houses. The picture on the left is looking down the road from the cross streets (Nipomo and Islay) where she lives. I told her that some of these houses had parts of your dream house. You know, with the wrap around porch and widow’s walk.
So after a nice visit it was time to head back home. The drive was not terrible at all. I really don’t enjoy being in a car for long periods of time, but this trip was not bad. I arrived home late last night and now that I am back in “the real world” it is time to move forward. That means it is time to end this letter and move onto the next part of my journey in a life without my parents. I am really scared to go it on my own. This sort of feels like when I left home all those years ago with one major difference. You won’t be here if I decide to come back. I will figure it out though. Things do work out in the end.
I miss you so much. I see things all around me that remind me of you and that still hurts. I miss going to the gym with you and talking with you and cooking dinner for you. I miss the arguments about silly things. I miss saving the day when you mess up something on your computer. I miss seeing you watch those silly judge shows. I miss your hugs. I miss all those little things we did and said. I miss hearing your voice telling me that you love me. I miss you…..