Hey mom,
It’s been a couple of days since I last talked with you. Not sure why I didn’t post the in the past two days, just didn’t feel like it. I am beginning to get busy with stuff that has to be done with your estate. I love that word. Makes me think you have some huge sprawling estate, maybe a vineyard or horse ranch. Anyway, the to do list is starting to pile up. Sort of on its own really. I could have spend more time not doing anything, but that is not to be.
I was working on your computer and discovered some things you had written in the past. Some of them happy and some of them not. Actually there wasn’t anything there that I didn’t already know. I also found your journal. I was sad to see that you stopped writing in it back in February. I really wish that you could have kept up with that. Still not happy with you that you didn’t leave your kids something personal to look back on. For all the fuss you made about no one wanting to ‘chose’ any of your belonging to keep, you could have written us and that would have been good enough. I am sorry that you felt that people didn’t want your stuff. I tried to explain to you that it won’t be until after you are gone that we will find those special items that hold meaning to us.
Anyway, I had an appointment today to meet with a counselor from hospice. I think it was good for me to talk about you and how I am feeling. I am not sure why I was afraid to cry in front of her though. I mean the whole thing is setup to allow for that. Still I struggled to hold back the tears (a couple got past the gates though). It is strange, I have been having dreams where I am crying and in a weird way that seems to help. Had a dream with David in it last night, although his boys were girls and they were very much out of control. Craig (from up the street, not your nephew) was also in that dream. Perhaps that is some sort of sign that I am supposed to patch things up with him. I have no clue what the dream was about, but those people were there and I was providing the water show. What I find most peculiar about crying in my dreams is that it feels very real and I have found myself clenched when I woke up. I have another appointment next Tuesday.
I talked with the lawyer today about administering the trust. I have an appointment with him next Monday to go over all that needs to be done and make sure that I do things correctly. Later this week I am going to head up to SLO for a day and stop by the brokers office on the way to give them copies of the paperwork. That was the plan anyway. I am still going to go up to SLO but after talking with the lawyer today I think I am going to hold off on giving the broker any documents until after meeting with the lawyer. Rick would not have a problem with that, so I think we are good. I am also supposed to meet with B of A on Monday, but have to reschedule that as well until after I talk with Kurt. I just don’t want to screw anything up.
The folks at the Y really miss you. I didn’t get there yesterday because I was busy, but I plan on going tomorrow. I really need to get back to working out. I have been hesitant to do so with this heart thing until after I have the stress test and find out how things are internally. I think it would be okay to do weights and light cardio though. It is just really strange to go to the Y without you. I have to deal with your membership there as well. There is little chance of getting Jason to use that membership so I guess we will just have to turn it into a single. I am sure that Adelma or Carolla will help me figure out the best thing to do. Oh, you know I called up Richard to let him know that you passed, but he really didn’t seem interested so I just let it go. I am really disappointed that he didn’t show more interest after all the time you and dad spent with him. I expected him to at least say, “Ding Dong, the witch is dead.”, but he couldn’t even muster that. I think you were right about that situation.
I just can’t believe how difficult this is. I miss you so much. So many things I do or see remind me of you. Some day that will make me feel good, but for now it hurts.