Mom and I out for our evening walk. When mom is antsy and needs something to do we go out for a walk. She actually gets around pretty well, but as you can see she is using a cane. The walks are to help her relax and to tire her out so that she can sleep. For me, the walks are not relaxing as I am always keeping an eye out for a stumble. I am on guard, ready to catch her should she get off-balance.
Sadly mom is looking pretty feeble lately. The neighbor told her that she saw her out on the street the other day and was worried because she was looking wobbly. Today her mood has been pretty down. This morning she was telling me that her quality of life right now is pretty crappy and that she wasn’t sure if fighting to live was the right thing to do. She said that she didn’t want her kids to have to do two funerals so close together. I basically just listened (because she has been lamenting lately that she just want to talk and have someone listen to her) and then told her that we want her around as long as she wants to be.
It is really heartbreaking to see her like this. She has been talking more and more about the last-minute things she wants to get done before she’s gone. (Un)Fortunately she forgets things so easily that if you give her a couple of minutes, she has forgotten all that talk and we move onto the next issue.
I think her mood was down today because Jodi called and mom did not recognize her voice. She had to ask who it was and then apologized to Jodi for not knowing it was her. It really upset her that she didn’t know her own daughter’s voice at first.
Her appearance is beautiful and shocking at the same time. She is my mom and will always be beautiful to me, but looking at her these days really makes you just want to cry. She is so skinny.
Ughhh.. I just hate to see her struggling. Emotionally, mentally and physically, everything is a struggle for her right now. I keep hoping things will get better for her soon. We try to stay positive, but it is damn hard to be positive when you feel so bad.
I feel helpless that I cannot fix her. I feel bad when I do things by myself rather than keeping her company. I feel conflicted whether its better to help her or let her do things on her own. I feel scared that she is giving in.
I feel glad that my mother is such a strong woman!