It is a bit strange, although my parents are only gone for the night, the house is too quiet. It made me sad when the thought popped into my head that this is how quiet it will be when they are gone for good. My heart is already hurting for what I know will be end, the only question left is when the end will arrive.
I am feeling frustrated that I have never been through this and don’t know what to expect. I don’t know what the signs are. Will there be signs? Will there be a way to know when the time is close?
When my mother is feeling bad or in pain, I wonder if this is as bad as it gets or will it only get worse from here. The one thing I have hoped for is that she will not suffer and yet sometimes when I see her she looks like that is already happening. I don’t want her to have to go through the things her parents and her sister went through. She has said how horrible it was and I know she is scared that she will face the same fate as they did.
I see the desperation in my father’s eyes when mom is hurting. I see that look from him that says he can’t bear to watch as her cancer gets worse. I see that look in her eyes that tells me she just cannot believe this is happening. That terrified look that says she is far from ready. I think, what if her mama and daddy need her where they are and I am being selfish wanting her to stay.
I try to picture what life without my mother will look like and the image is blank. How was she so strong to carry on after losing her parents at an age younger than I am now? Will I be that strong?
I know my mother’s belief in god and her faith that things happen for a reason. I interpret the following song as though god were speaking to my mother.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoRkntoHkIE&w=560&h=315]