Crash course in care-giving

I was speaking with my sister today about my parents situation and there were several things about the conversation that got me thinking (which is an act that probably gets me in trouble sometimes).  We talked about my participation in the care-giving and about things that need to happen as we progress along in my parents illnesses.

Now I realize that I am getting a crash course in care-giving and that I will make mistakes, but I am doing the things that I hope are in the best interest of my parents.  The only things I am expecting to get out of this are the pride in knowing I helped them when they needed it most, the knowledge of what it is like to go through this process and to make the rest of their lives as pleasant and joyous as possible.  I do not for one minute see myself better than anyone else, especially my siblings and I do not judge anyone’s amount of contribution in the care of my parents.  Any help my siblings or my parents family/friends contribute is much appreciated and not expected (from me anyway, I cannot speak for my parents or anyone else).  So please, direct your concerns to my parents and don’t worry about how much or how little contributions from myself or anyone else may be.

My sister made a comment that she hoped I was not missing changes in their health that needed to be addressed.  I can certainly appreciate her concerns.  She said this because of the dramatic change in my parents that she saw when she was here compared to the she was here previous to her last visit.  She remarked that they looked like they had aged 25 years.  It no doubt shocked and scared her.  I think everyone has had those moments when they were shocked at some dramatic change in a person (good or bad) after not seeing them for a period of time.  While I hope that I am not missing things, I really don’t think I am.  This very topic is one of the reasons why I started this blog,  so that people (myself included) can witness the changes in some form.  I realize that seeing them everyday, I can be some what immune to the changes going on.  However, I am also in a unique position to see those changes in a different way.  A less shocked and dramatic way.

It is also true that two people viewing the same thing will likely describe what they saw in two different ways.  Each person is wired different and view the world differently.  We pick up on different cues.  We also react to the things we see differently.  While I might focus on one aspect of mom’s health like her unstable walking, someone else might focus on her lack of concentration.  My unique position also allows me to better gauge what my parents needs are at a given moment.  For instance, someone who has not seen my mother walk a lot might want to hold onto her and help her.  From my point of view, I can tell when she stands up if she is ok to trot off by herself down the hallway or if she might need help.  I have also ‘learned’ that with her it is better to let her know your arm is there and she will hang on to it if she needs it.  I have learned that even if I am not right with her, that I need to be observant.  The home teachers saw this first hand when they came over and I jetted past them when I recognized my mother needed help.  They remarked that it was interesting how I knew she needed help and that I was right there in a flash.

This sort of segues into the next topic.  Taking over responsibilities that my parents are used to doing themselves.  My father and my sister have been telling my mother for a while now that she needs to teach someone else how to handle the household finances.  My mother has been doing that job for as long as my parents have been married.  My mother knows that she needs to pass the torch along.  She just isn’t ready.  At what point do you force someone to give up control over an aspect of their life.  This isn’t just about the household finances, this is about everything.  I am sure each of us can imagine what it would be like to have to give up control of the things you used to have control over.  I will give you an example.  If you drive, imagine that you could not longer drive, that when you wanted to go somewhere you needed someone to take you.  Imagine the stress and anxiety that would cause you.  Now imagine that you have to do that repeatedly until you have very few things left to control.  My approach with my parents has been to acknowledge the importance of the control they have and what it means to them to give up that control.  To be patient with the process.  To find ways to make the process less abrupt and less stressful.

An example of this is getting my mother to use a walker.  It is very easy for us to stand afar and logically know when someone needs to be using a walking aid.  It is very different for the person who is giving up that piece of their freedom.  So with my mother I rationalized with her, that by not using a walker she ran the risk of falling which can happen in the blink of an eye and if it did happen could put her in a position where she loses the ability to walk at all.  She was able to see that using the walker is no longer giving up control over her ability to move around unhindered, but rather allowed her to help prevent having lost all control.  It took a little bit of time, but she is using the walker more often than she ever thought she would.  I think I would have seen a different reaction if I had just told her use it or else.  It became her choice in a way.  I don’t always win the battle, like my dad with his oxygen, but I am getting a better understanding of how this process works.  Is the subtle approach the right way or is the forceful approach the right way?  Does the emotional or psychological affect of forcing change outweigh the risk of being in a position of having to scramble if the subtle approach didn’t work.  I don’t know the right answer to these questions, so I am having to go with my gut reaction and instincts.

I know that it is possible that I am being too slow to react, but I hope I am not.  I have not been through this process before.  I have been fortunate I think that I have not had to witness serious illness like this in my lifetime in this way.  While other people, like my nephews and niece, had to bear witness to this type of thing happening with their grandparents, I do not remember any of my grandparents other than my father’s stepmother.  So I am trying to keep eyes, ears and mind open through this crash course.  I have certainly been surprised by how things happen, how I react to them and how I have to interact with my parents and other people who care about them.  I have had to accept there are things I cannot control.  I don’t always know how to respond to things my parents and others say or do.  One thing I can do though is share my experiences and relate how I see things.  If that information helps those around me, then that is awesome.

I suppose I am defending the ways in which I am caring for my parents, but in doing so I hope that I am bringing awareness to why I am choosing to do things.  I hope that by writing this I can bring to light the differences in how changes in this process are viewed by both those that see them regularly and those that see them less often.  It is important to remember that we all have the very best of intentions and want very much to do the right things for those we love so dearly.