I often wondered what the ‘fight’ was all about when hearing about people battling cancer. I am discovering what the fight means and what it looks like and I am amazed at just how strong someone can be. My father did not show the strength that my mother had. I certainly don’t fault him for that, though I still find myself angry that he was supposed to still be here and isn’t. I would like to blame him for that, but in the end, knowing what I know now… I understand what he didn’t want to face.
I look at my mother in awe at how she keeps on trucking. Sure she has days where she just doesn’t want to do much, but she bounces back pretty quickly and keeps an attitude that she wants to live as long as possible. Sometimes I wonder why, given how riddled with cancer she is, how each day is a struggle and the added loss of her soul mate. I honestly don’t know if I could handle it. I might choose the same path dad took and let disease get the best of me as quickly as possible.
Today mom and I went to the San Diego Zoo Safari Park to have another look at the new baby gorilla (very cure btw) and to catch the bird show, which I have not seen in many years (if you know me, you’d know that I am all about birds). Anyway, mom started to feel tired and was having some pain so we took a couple breaks to sit for a minute while we made our way out of the park and even though I knew by the way she was walking that she was really having a hard time, she didn’t complain or really speak of it. I have a pretty good sense of when she is needing help though and lent her my arm to steady herself as we walked back to the entrance of the park. Along the way, I kept thinking; “How does she do it?” Sometimes I wonder if masking her pain, when asked if she is okay, is a way of being in denial or a concern that she would be a burden or just a will to make everything better. Whatever the reason, I often find myself moved by her ability to remain positive.
Occasionally we will have conversations where she expresses a desire to give up and move onto the next journey. I tell her that whatever her decisions are at this point is going to be the right decisions and that I would not think any differently of her. Usually by the end of our conversation she has talked herself into a better mood and is back to being a fighter. I was honest though, that after what I have seen her go through and how strong she has been to this point, if she wanted to give up I could not feel any differently about this amazing woman.
So this fight isn’t necessarily about conquering the disease, but more about conquering the effects of the disease and the expectations people have about your future when faced with a life threatening illness. I can better appreciate the sentiment conveyed when someone is said to have lost their battle. It is a testament to how they lived their life after diagnosis, even if that life is very short. The length of the battle doesn’t deter from the respect one should get for having gone through it.
Each day I look at my mother and see a frail, fragile woman who needs help and attention, but strangely enough, I also see an amazingly strong woman who can do just about anything she wants. I walk a fine line between doing for her and realizing that she can still do for herself. It is easy to tell her, “I got this.”, when trying to help her and it is far more difficult to step back and let her do what she wants. I have to remind myself to let her ask for help if she needs it. It is important for her to remain in control. I have learned subtle ways to let her know I am available, for instance, when I walk with her I tend to walk just a step or two ahead of her so that she can take my arm if she needs it rather than me reaching out to her.
In a previous blog post I talked about working at the county fair and that I had to make a decision. I decided to go ahead and work as many days as I felt I could and my boss has been very flexible with my scheduling. I knew that mom would have a difficult time with me being away all day, but in the past couple of days I have seen that I underestimated just how much she needs me. Her mood has changed and she has lost some of that fighting spirit. She hasn’t felt as well physically. We talked a little bit about how she is feeling lonely and can’t seem to find enough that she can do to keep herself busy. She tries to do housework and yard work, but she can’t do that for very long before getting tired, so she spend most of her time sitting on the couch watching TV and it drives her nuts. I told her that if she needs me, that I will stop whatever I am doing to be with her. I want however long she continues to fight to be worth it.