Jodi has to head back home tomorrow morning and mom is feeling pretty down about that. I think this has been the best visit for mom. She and Jodi have spent a lot of time together this trip. They sorted through mom and dad’s things, deciding what to give to AmVets, what to keep and what items mom would like to go to family and friends. They also got a change to talk more about what will happen after mom is gone and about the legal/financial planning aspects that mom and I have worked to complete. I think Jodi is a lot more comfortable with how things will end up. She also got a lot of time to reflect on dad and talk about some of the things she had been thinking about.
Still not sure what I am going to do about work, but I will figure it out. In the meantime, mom has a few things to get done this week. We have a post-chemo followup visit at the oncologist office. That visit happens the week after each chemo and we meet with the nurse practitioner to see how mom is doing. It’s more of a general checkup rather than something specific about her cancer. She also has an appointment with her primary physician as a followup to her little stay in the hospital. I don’t expect much more than a “How do you feel?” sort of visit.
Tonight we had a Story Time with Mom session. I have been recording interactions with family and friends as well as recording stories mom tells about her life. The goal of these story time sessions is to capture information for genealogy purposes and also for me to write about my mother in some form. Tonight we covered her mother; what her mother was like, what my mother remembers from her childhood and how her mother interacted with other members of the family. It was very interesting because I had not heard these things before. I have heard quite a bit about mom’s father but very little about her mother until now. We started off story time with mom talking about some details of her funeral that we had not talked about before like pallbearers, what she wants to wear and if she wants a viewing. So that was good to wrap up those loose ends.
My cousin Sherry (apologies Sherry for spelling your name wrong in previous posts, dunno why I always thought it was with an i instead of a y) posted pictures on Facebook today of my mother with a comment that my mother was dying of cancer. I made a tongue in cheek reply that my mother was living with cancer. There are much more important things to think about than whether or not she is dying or living, frankly because she is doing both. We all are. While we are living we are also dying, in that we are coming closer to our expiration date. So don’t give another thought, Sherry, to my correction. It does make me think however, looking at those pictures. It makes me think about how beautiful my mother is despite how skinny and bony she appears. It makes me think how fortunate I am to know her and be loved by her. It makes me think how sad I will be when she is not longer here. Sometimes I feel bad for thinking about her death, not because of the loss but because perhaps I should feel guilty for focusing on that aspect rather than of her living. I realize though that it is possible to do both. To think and talk about both life and death together. I don’t feel that my thoughts of what life will be like when she is no longer here diminish her time left with us or detract from time spent living with her. I hope that, in a way, talking about or at least thinking about it will make things easier when it does happen. And while I am not planning on it, I do have to plan for it. So I have these thoughts. I think about how terribly lonely things will be without her around. I wonder what will happen to the family when the glue is no longer there to hold it together. I wonder what the day after she is gone will feel like and what I will need to be doing. In a way, jumping right from dad’s passing to mom’s living was a distraction from the grieving process for me regarding dad. Will mom’s passing compound this? There are lots of things I think about from time to time. Most of the thoughts are without emotion and are more inquisitive in nature, but every now and then a thought will cross my mind that makes me really sad.
So when I talk about mom’s passing before it actually happens, just know that I am in a unique position to be able to do that. That I don’t mean disrespect and that I am not trying to rush the inevitable. I am just trying to come to terms with the end and be somewhat prepared for it when the time comes. Of course I hope it will be a long time from now, but I am also realistic in terms of her condition and the medical expectations. I suppose that miracles could happen, but we will save that conversation for another time.
There are topics that I do what to talk about in the blog that I am just not sure how to approach them. I need to figure out a way to be open about my feelings and views on various topics while being aware that my views may not be shared by others and how that will affect people’s thoughts on me or my mother, well mostly my mother. I have always conducted myself with one thought in mind, never do something that would hurt my parents. I could care less what people think of my so long as it does not hurt my parents. So there are things that I am, think, feel, etc that I do not/have not shared publicly because of the effect it might have on my parents. However, I feel the need to talk about some of these things and will eventually figure out a way to do so.
Well that about sums up the day, let’s see what fun stuff tomorrow brings!