This is a question my sister has been grappling with lately. I can certainly understand my sister’s frustration with my father and his attitude. While it is possible that what dad is feeling is as simple as him not wanting to get better, I would bet there is a lot more to it than that. I find it difficult to imagine that we as humans could be that simple. There is no doubt though that we are dealing with two aspects when it comes to dad’s health. We are seeing his physical struggle and his emotional struggle. Those two forces may be colliding. Physically he appears to be getting better and stronger, but emotionally he has not really improved. It can be incredibly difficult to look at those two forces as separate especially since they go hand in hand to form a complete picture.
As I said, physically he looks to be getting better. Today he was down to 4 liters per minute of oxygen and while his body had to work harder at that level of oxygen and he was more tired, it was still less oxygen than he has been on this entire time. That is improvement. We need to recognize that improvement and encourage that. Tonight, I was telling my sister and my mother that very thing when they were talking about how he doesn’t look like he is getting any better. I told them they have to realize that physically he is getting better and that what they were focusing on was his mental state. It is not bad to focus on that, especially since it will hold him back physically at some point, but that we need to acknowledge the improvements he is making physically.
Mentally, he is not doing well at all. My sister got very frustrated with dad today and was quite stern when talking to him. She was trying to get him to have some solid food to eat for lunch. He didn’t want anything. She finally talked him into ordering lunch and when it came he took a couple bites, had his coughing fit and got his pity party in full swing and gave up. That did not sit well with my sister. She laid into him and he responded by pouting. She couldn’t handle it anymore and we left the hospital. She was torn this evening about whether to go back down and see him or not. She decided not to after talking with mom for a long time. I think, in the long run, this interaction with dad right now is good for both of them. She gets a real dose of what life with dad is like on a daily basis right now (prior to this she was critical that I was being to easy on him) and will have a better appreciation for why mom has been a bit disappointed in dad recently. It is good for dad because my sister can get him to do things and think about things that none of us can.
So, is my father just waiting around to die? I don’t know the answer to that question. It would appear that way by how he acts, but he is the only one that can be in his head to know for sure. Is he really trying to get better? I don’t know the answer to that question either. Again, it would appear that he does not want to get better. My sister has been trying to talk him into getting some counseling and he has been resistant, but she may be able to break him at some point. It would be good for him to discuss his feelings with someone who doesn’t know him. It would be great for him to express his anger, fear, hopes, wants, etc in a way that isn’t expressed by laying in a hospital bed not getting better. We know that he wants to leave this world before my mother. He has made that clear and two weeks ago I would have said he was not going to be able to accomplish that, but now it is a bit different. Mom is doing very well. So he may get his wish. When you get down to brass tacks though, I do not believe that he really wants to leave this world right now. I think he is stuck in this strange place of fear for the future. Not getting better may seem like the easier route at the moment. I hope he can turn that around. I hope we can find ways to help him recover.
Mom’s current condition is very odd. I was telling her and my sister tonight that mom looks and acts like pre-cancer mom. She has a lot of energy physically. More energy than I ever expected given how she was a couple of weeks ago when I thought the end might be near. She explained to us tonight that part of what we are seeing is a change in her attitude. That for a period of time after her diagnosis, she just wanted to sleep and avoid life. She said that recently (and I can see when that was) she decided that she did not want to do that to herself or her family and decided to live as much life as she can. I am glad that she had that internal conversation with herself. I wish her memory and focus could cooperate, but in the end it seems like a small price to pay for how wonderful life appears to her right now. She was over the moon about her CT results. She has talked more in the last couple days than I have heard her talk in quite a while. You have to work a bit to follow her train of thought, but it is possible. She has a new side effect that is bugging her a little bit, but is manageable. The old lady shakes 🙂 She has lost enough muscle mass that holding things steady is more difficult and results in her hands shaking (think about trying to hold a full glass of water after doing something strenuous with your arms).
Each day bring new ups and downs. We do our best to see the positives, to recognize the negatives and enjoy each moment the best we can. For every struggle mom has with words we remind ourselves how thankful we are that a misspoken word is nothing compared to how bad things could be. For each time dad gets emotional we are thankful that he is alive to express those emotions. For each frustrating moment, there are many good moments that will follow. We can sleep easy knowing that today was a good day because we were around to experience it!
Well I think that sums up the day. We shall see what fun stuff tomorrow brings!