One of the things that people often ask when speaking with my parents or me about my parents situation is how I am doing with all of this. The short answer to this is that I am doing pretty well given the circumstances. I appreciate the concern for my well-being in addition to my parents. In this post I am going to elaborate on my short answer and give you a real honest idea of how I am doing.
Emotionally I don’t know exactly where I am at. Aside from tearing up a couple times, I have only cried once over this situation and it was the morning I found out about my mother’s cancer. I think I mentioned in a previous post that it was not only hearing my mother had cancer, but also my father’s reaction to the news as well. Now the lack of tears is not that I am not a crier. I can cry very easily over songs, stories, thoughts and movies that move me. However, I am a private crier. Probably because, “Men don’t cry”. I have found it difficult though to express that type of emotion in relation to what my parents are going through. I am not exactly sure why that it, but I have two reasons floating around in my head.
1. I have a desire to be the sort of pillar of strength that I had always seen from my mother. She knows how I am feeling inside, but outwardly I express a matter of fact, get the job done attitude. While I know my mental health is important, right now my parents needs are greater and that is where I have chosen to focus my energy.
2. I know how that type of emotion can make people feel uncomfortable. I know how I feel when I see someone cry. On the handful of occasions that I began to tear up when talking about my mother, I have seen the reaction from people and understood that they were uncomfortable. This is in no way a judgement of those people. I get it. It’s a natural reaction to that type of emotion. So I try to avoid showing it.
There are releases for the emotions that I am feeling though. It is not just getting bottled up. I have my writing. Writing allows me to discuss things in a way that lets me release negativity and in return feel joy and happiness. I also like to watch movies and videos and listen to songs that allow me to experience emotions in meaningful ways. For instance, the following video was from a TV program a couple years ago that Mom and I like to watch when it’s on. The intro tells you the story.
This is a beautiful dance. I loved it when I first saw it. Now it is even more special to me because I can relate to it. You see, more than feeling sad about my parents situation, I am feeling frustrated that there is little I can do to fix them. So instead, I focus on helping them out and making life for them as easy and comfortable as it can be. Which brings me to a topic that has been commented on by my parents and others. DO NOT feel bad for me in this situation. Yes I have taken on a greater care-taker role. Yes it is sometimes not easy. Yes it can be tiring. Yes it sucks that someone has to do it, but I feel truly grateful that I have the opportunity to help them out in this way. I know my siblings would do the same if their own situations were different. They would do it in a heartbeat if they didn’t have jobs, their own families, living far away, etc. I have not once felt obliged or burdened by the tasks. Not only do I get to help out my parents, but I get to learn how to do some things that I never really knew or never really took the time to know. Who knew I could actually cook meals every night (well ok, some nights I get off easy by making grilled cheese sandwiches). I thought that is what fast food restaurants were for. I realize that I am capable of more than I thought. I am more patient than I thought. And I think I am doing a pretty good job. I make mistakes and I am sure there is more that I could be doing, but things seem to be working out well.
Of course I am scared for the future. I am a tried and true mama’s boy. I have no idea what life without my mother will be like. I have no idea how I will be able to call family and friends when she passes. I don’t know how I will find the strength to attend her funeral, let alone write some sort of memorial and speak at her service. I don’t know how I will handle it if she has to suffer before she leaves us. There are lots of things that scare me, but for now I am staying positive and in the now. That’s not to say that my parents and I don’t have tough conversations about their wishes for the future.
So understand that I am fine. That my parents need much more attention right now than I ever will. I thank you all for your concerns, well wishes and prayers.